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A gay Christian.

How do we define a  Middle English word ‘Gay‘ today?  The word ‘gai/gay’ was first used in 14 century, meaning ‘happily excited’. In 21 century  it took a shift in meaning towards ‘a person who is sexually attracted to  the persons of the same sex’. Most of us know that. What  I didn’t happen to know was that, there are Christians out there, who are gay in both meanings of the word. Recently,I came across a book by Bev Hislop ‘Shepherding Women in pain’, where she goes to a great length, explaining emotional  experiences of the  Modern women today. One of them is a homosexuality: ‘ The truth is same-sex attraction does not stop at the thresh-old of the church door. People do not choose to have same-sex attraction and it can affect just as many people in the church as outside… There are women and girls in our churches, including our youth groups, who are grappling with these confusing feelings. Unfortunately, some leave the church because they don’t  find it a safe place to be transparent – especially after hearing our careless comments.’  I  won’t argue such interpretation here, since this is a relatively new concept to me, a conservative Christian, who believes that homosexuality is a choice.  But I  also do not wish to call those people, who claim otherwise liars. God’s ways are not like our ways, and His thoughts are not like ours – may be we all just missing something here. Regardless, the truth will always finds it’s way on behalf of those who seeks it. God makes sure of it.

I found this particular testimony extremely encouraging &  fascinating. I salute to this same-sex oriented believer. I only wish I knew about her testimony when I had an opportunity to speak with another blogger, who also happened to be a Christian & lesbian. I was speechless. I had no idea what to say to her. She seemed so sweet and gentle, unlike others you converse with at times. I meant to share this testimony for a while, but the cares of life took over. But this story beautifully &  so genuinely shared became unforgettable to me. Just perhaps there is someone out there, who can benefit from this powerful testimony. It surely moves me.

‘The night I asked God to kill me, I was weeping on the cold linoleum floor in my sterile apartment bathroom. My whole body shuddered with grief. I was a colossal failure, a disappointment to God… I was gay. I never wanted to be gay. Year after year, I prayed, I went to support groups, I even put a ring on my wedding finger to remember my covenant with God. But I always ended up the adulteress. The way I felt when  I was in the arms of another woman, so loved and secure, was too much to resist. My very self was torn in two. I could not live without God; I loved Him. Yet I was gay. Not by choice but by an unexpected and undesired fate. On the bathroom floor that night, death seemed to the the only solution.

My sexual attraction to other girls stole my dreams. I went to Bible college filled with aspirations of a life on the mission field. From a young age my dream was to grow up to serve God full-time. In my teens, I devoured books about missionaries and imagined walking in the footsteps of Amy Carmichael,a single woman who left everything to care for orphans in India. But when I was eighteen, I could no longer deny what I was feeling and that revelation haunted me. How could this happen? Weren’t gay people non-Christians who hated God? Gay people were weird. They were promiscuous, drug abusers, child molesters, and dangerous activists trying to force their immorality on the rest of us…I was just a teenager who fell in love with my best friend while at the Christian camp. That realization shattered my world. And I spent the next decade trying to bind the pieces back together. At the advise of a school counselor at my Christian college, I ended my relationship with Laura. During my senior year I was buried in deep depression, mourning the loss. Life did not seem worth living. God was not who I thought He was. He was a stranger – a deity who played cruel, cosmic games. Over the next several years, I became involved in three other lesbian relationships, eventually ending them out of guilt… I could not fathom how I would find strength to live a single, celibate life – longing to be loved & share my life with another person was so strong & natural. That’s why I asked Him to kill me. I couldn’t stand my failure and I couldn’t stand His harsh gaze.

But God didn’t kill me that night, or the next. What I slowly came to understand was that God didn’t want to kill me. He loved me, not because I was a ‘good girl’ who had hoped to be a missionary, but because I was His.        

 He loved me in the midst of my deepest turmoil and my greatest failure. For the first time, I began to grasp God’s grace. This realization that God loved me whether I was gay or straight, whether I was messing up or succeeding, changed everything for me. He kept holding on to me,and over time, I began to find my way out of that painful place.

Ultimately, I came to a deep spiritual place in choosing not to be in same-sex relationships. Not because of my fundamentalist upbringing. Not because of family or peer pressure. Not because I was afraid God would hit me over the head or send me to hell, but because the Spirit testifies in me that homosexuality is not what God wants for human relationships. I still have same-sex attractions. Navigating the challenges of a single,celibate life is not easy. But the world looks a lot different that it did during those ten hard years. I feel joyful instead of hopeless. I learned that Christian walk doesn’t magically appear overnight, but that with perseverance – and sometimes years-God can give us a peace in the midst of our circumstances that we didn’t think possible.

Although I once considered it a curse, I now regard my same-sex attractions as one of the best things that ever happened to me. It took me out of my comfortable ‘Sunday school life’ and forced me to ask hard questions about God and Christianity – it made my faith real. And most of all, it allowed me a glimpse into the magnitude of God’s kindness and patience.’

 ‘Happy is the one who endures testing, because when he has proven to be genuine, he will receive the crown of life that God promised to those who love him….’

8 thoughts on “A gay Christian.

  1. Pingback: A gay Christian. | angelanowakforgod

  2. i really enjoyed reading this story. thank you for sharing her perspective and struggle. there are so many misconceptions out there and i applaud you for listening and sharing what you learned. I would love to meet this woman whose testimony you shared!

    • yes, she is amazing. I wish all of us wept over our sin as she did! My friend on fb pointed out that greed is something Jesus mentions a lot and here we are in 21 century getting more & more materialistic.

  3. This is very sad. Our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love all of us no matter what. The ‘Mormon’ church standing is this – you can not have a sexual relationship with someone you are not legally and lawfully married to, whether you are gay or not. The church does not recognise gay marriages because God doesn’t. However i know of several people who chose to stay active in the church obeying this command and yet are openly gay.

    • I don’t think you understood this story. This is not sad, this is victorious! Jesus spoke about greed more than He spoke about homosexuality. At least the girl is doing something about it. And how many Christians are not doing anything about their love of money/possessions. Homosexuality is a sin like any other sin that God wants us to repent of.

  4. Thank you for publishing this story. I am straight and a born again Christian. I believe that God’s word says practicing homosexuality is sin – but it is no worse than any other sin, even that of lying or gossiping. Some of us struggle with sin that only God knows about. It might seem insignificant to human eyes but when God can’t look at any sin, he can’t even look at the over-eating which, let’s face it – is sin just as black as sexual sin. The girl in your story gets it. She gets repentance and forgiveness. She knows that temptation isn’t sin. Jesus was tempted. Acting on the temptation is sin. Jesus didn’t fall into sin and she is keeping herself from sin by not acting on her same-sex cravings.

    I spoke up in Sunday School one day and said I believe you can be gay and still be born again. The teacher didn’t agree with me, but I’m letting God deal with that part of the equation. The Bible is God-breathed, you know. That’s why it’s called the Word of God. Maybe one reason God had it written that sometimes it’s best for people to remains single is because he knew that some would be born with tendencies that went against his plan. Sin is here because of free will. I’m not drawn to same sex relationships. But I am drawn to the sin of gluttony. It is a severe battle between good and evil 24 hours a day.

    Any victory over any sin is the kingdom living we shoujld all strive for. Whether it be sexual, dishonesty, anger, cheating, gluttony, or any other act against the pureness of the Father.

    Sorry – I didn’t mean to write a book here. Dear Lord, Help us to act of a heart full of love instead of a mind of judgement.

  5. Thank you. We often treat same-sex attraction differently than other temptations. To struggle with this is essentially the same as the struggle heterosexual singles experience to remain chaste… and married Christians experience in being faithful (i.e. monogamous). None of these struggles is easy. Nor is our failure to live perfectly damning. We all need to walk in a life of repentance and grace.

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