As I was walking along the road, pushing the buggy & watching my two- year- old stroll along , my brain was spinning with ideas. Wishing/praying that today will be the day when both kids are napping at the same time, so that I can do a bit of writing. As Sam obviously was going to tire himself out from so much walking , I thought this is possibly a GWD, ‘good writing day’. Before my husband returned from Indonesia, I took advantage of computer’s availability to explore, on what other people have to say. I came across a few blogs, where different people didn’t mind sharing their personal life with the rest of the world. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed that, even though some of the tales were rather depressing.
Recently, arguing with about 15 young lads at the skate park, who with torrents of vigor shouted that they are innocent, truthful & fair! I had little chance of disputing that: while talking all at once, my intelligence just could not measure up to it. I thought: ‘ If I have to be in the middle of this emotional volcano, might as well throw a spiritual challenge at them.’ All of them laughed it off… except one boy, Billy. ‘Shush everyone. I’m interested in this stuff. About after life.’ That statement took me almost twenty years ago, when I was just in the last year of High school, lying in bed at night, thinking: ‘Is this it? What if I die tomorrow, the world will exist without me?’ That is a profound thought to realize that you only have this one life & it could be cut very short…there is nothing else. I lived, I died. It is over.
The problem was, possessing such knowledge, was of little satisfaction. I could not get those spiky thoughts out of my head. I had no faith in God. I was a self-made, fully in charge of my full of pride human being (of course that what I wished to think). Getting no answers, I’ve got myself busy with all kinds of things… for a while. Until a mighty big STOP. I came up against such power that I could not fight with. I was crashed in my spirit, experienced loss of ambition & was devastated emotionally. Someone said that people can live without water& food for a while, but not without any hope at all. I kept thinking : ‘It gotta be Someone who can help. Understand how I feel.’ I turned around to my mum and said: ‘You’ve mentioned about God. I want to hear more about Him.’ Simple, yet most powerful desire in my heart now, turned my life 180 degrees. Nothing would be the same again.
At that time, in early 90’s, I lived in a communistic country of USSR. In a small resort town by the Black Sea. My life became as someone who landed from another planet. Suddenly, I began to enjoy my fellowship with my Maker. I saw Jesus on the cross in the Orthodox church. I prayed to Him every day. Almost over night, years and years of convincing that there is no God were as a butterfly’s wings, already far away in a blurry past. I had no idea what the future holds, but one thing was certain: God will direct me every step of the way. No plans, no ambitions anymore which was shocking even to me. I just had to wake up with God and let Him catch the waves of my activities.
What God had already prepared for me, (as look back now), I would not be able to dream about it. Back then, I didn’t speak a word of English. I could read a bit with a dictionary. I haven’t travel much outside of my home town. My world and my opportunities were very caged. If someone had told me, right there and then, that I will be sharing my faith in God on the beaches of California, with the high officials in the capital of Russia, or marry an Englishman I would of laughed without breaks!
While many people say about their course of life, ‘c’est la vie’, I’ve realize one thing – He is in control from now on. That was an incredible & freeing feeling. I was not a random accident in this Universe! God had His special plans for me. Not that His guidance always makes sense to us or could not be hysterically funny. God specifically told about properly learning an English language. I pretended I didn’t hear right, I went back and forth in my prayers, arguing with Him. I absolutely could not stand my English teacher in school, she was a rather eccentric , Second world war generation Estonian lady with to full extreme principles. She lectured us all on life more than he taught us language. She complained to my parents that I was singing during her classes, after that being at war with her, meant I had to come prepared every lesson. Just in case she feels like fighting her point of view with me that day! I was more than thrilled when my schooling with her was over. Little did I know about God’s providence then.
After God becomes in charge, anyone’s life is going to be heaven & earth different. Over the years, I’ve heard too many testimonies how a life of a true believer completely transforms. So, when people come along and say ‘how can you believe in God’, I say ‘easy’. But they have no problem believing that ‘Nothing created EVERYTHING out of Nothing.’
Unlike humans, God is able & willing to change the lives of the most desperate one’s just as much. Last week, I’ve heard about Susanna Harrison, who was born in 1752 in Ipswich, England. At the age of 20 she became very ill. She had to retire from her service for a wealthy family and come home. Everyone knew she is about to die. While a servant she attended a church, heard the gospel, but did nothing about it. A pastor from the church she had briefly attended, came to see her. This visit was the last straw that God used to break her pride. She placed her soul in God’s hands. After 5 days of fighting with dead she began to recover. Susanna also started to sing beautiful songs to God. While bedridden for 14 more years, uneducated, she composed poems & verses which were recorded by others and were published in a book. ‘The servant girl from Ipswich had her name in the Dictionary of national Biography. Countless people got encouraged & uplifted from her experience. Money from the publications went to needy families including her own. She was the oldest child in a large family with a deceased father.
Out of every suffering & every success, a child of God can be assured, that the Lord will give him His best. What a huge encouraging is that: we can boldly laugh in our eternal souls at pain, suffering, death itself. The best is yet to come…because ‘ if in this life only we have hoped in Christ, we are of all men most pitiable.’