A gay Christian.

How do we define a  Middle English word ‘Gay‘ today?  The word ‘gai/gay’ was first used in 14 century, meaning ‘happily excited’. In 21 century  it took a shift in meaning towards ‘a person who is sexually attracted to  the persons of the same sex’. Most of us know that. What  I didn’t happen to know was that, there are Christians out there, who are gay in both meanings of the word. Recently,I came across a book by Bev Hislop ‘Shepherding Women in pain’, where she goes to a great length, explaining emotional  experiences of the  Modern women today. One of them is a homosexuality: ‘ The truth is same-sex attraction does not stop at the thresh-old of the church door. People do not choose to have same-sex attraction and it can affect just as many people in the church as outside… There are women and girls in our churches, including our youth groups, who are grappling with these confusing feelings. Unfortunately, some leave the church because they don’t  find it a safe place to be transparent – especially after hearing our careless comments.’  I  won’t argue such interpretation here, since this is a relatively new concept to me, a conservative Christian, who believes that homosexuality is a choice.  But I  also do not wish to call those people, who claim otherwise liars. God’s ways are not like our ways, and His thoughts are not like ours – may be we all just missing something here. Regardless, the truth will always finds it’s way on behalf of those who seeks it. God makes sure of it.

I found this particular testimony extremely encouraging &  fascinating. I salute to this same-sex oriented believer. I only wish I knew about her testimony when I had an opportunity to speak with another blogger, who also happened to be a Christian & lesbian. I was speechless. I had no idea what to say to her. She seemed so sweet and gentle, unlike others you converse with at times. I meant to share this testimony for a while, but the cares of life took over. But this story beautifully &  so genuinely shared became unforgettable to me. Just perhaps there is someone out there, who can benefit from this powerful testimony. It surely moves me.

‘The night I asked God to kill me, I was weeping on the cold linoleum floor in my sterile apartment bathroom. My whole body shuddered with grief. I was a colossal failure, a disappointment to God… I was gay. I never wanted to be gay. Year after year, I prayed, I went to support groups, I even put a ring on my wedding finger to remember my covenant with God. But I always ended up the adulteress. The way I felt when  I was in the arms of another woman, so loved and secure, was too much to resist. My very self was torn in two. I could not live without God; I loved Him. Yet I was gay. Not by choice but by an unexpected and undesired fate. On the bathroom floor that night, death seemed to the the only solution.

My sexual attraction to other girls stole my dreams. I went to Bible college filled with aspirations of a life on the mission field. From a young age my dream was to grow up to serve God full-time. In my teens, I devoured books about missionaries and imagined walking in the footsteps of Amy Carmichael,a single woman who left everything to care for orphans in India. But when I was eighteen, I could no longer deny what I was feeling and that revelation haunted me. How could this happen? Weren’t gay people non-Christians who hated God? Gay people were weird. They were promiscuous, drug abusers, child molesters, and dangerous activists trying to force their immorality on the rest of us…I was just a teenager who fell in love with my best friend while at the Christian camp. That realization shattered my world. And I spent the next decade trying to bind the pieces back together. At the advise of a school counselor at my Christian college, I ended my relationship with Laura. During my senior year I was buried in deep depression, mourning the loss. Life did not seem worth living. God was not who I thought He was. He was a stranger – a deity who played cruel, cosmic games. Over the next several years, I became involved in three other lesbian relationships, eventually ending them out of guilt… I could not fathom how I would find strength to live a single, celibate life – longing to be loved & share my life with another person was so strong & natural. That’s why I asked Him to kill me. I couldn’t stand my failure and I couldn’t stand His harsh gaze.

But God didn’t kill me that night, or the next. What I slowly came to understand was that God didn’t want to kill me. He loved me, not because I was a ‘good girl’ who had hoped to be a missionary, but because I was His.        

 He loved me in the midst of my deepest turmoil and my greatest failure. For the first time, I began to grasp God’s grace. This realization that God loved me whether I was gay or straight, whether I was messing up or succeeding, changed everything for me. He kept holding on to me,and over time, I began to find my way out of that painful place.

Ultimately, I came to a deep spiritual place in choosing not to be in same-sex relationships. Not because of my fundamentalist upbringing. Not because of family or peer pressure. Not because I was afraid God would hit me over the head or send me to hell, but because the Spirit testifies in me that homosexuality is not what God wants for human relationships. I still have same-sex attractions. Navigating the challenges of a single,celibate life is not easy. But the world looks a lot different that it did during those ten hard years. I feel joyful instead of hopeless. I learned that Christian walk doesn’t magically appear overnight, but that with perseverance – and sometimes years-God can give us a peace in the midst of our circumstances that we didn’t think possible.

Although I once considered it a curse, I now regard my same-sex attractions as one of the best things that ever happened to me. It took me out of my comfortable ‘Sunday school life’ and forced me to ask hard questions about God and Christianity – it made my faith real. And most of all, it allowed me a glimpse into the magnitude of God’s kindness and patience.’

 ‘Happy is the one who endures testing, because when he has proven to be genuine, he will receive the crown of life that God promised to those who love him….’


Sugar, Sin & and Self-Sufficiency.

‘This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.’ Acts 4:11-12

 This mince pie is recognized as world’s most expensive and  has been made with the most delicate ingredients. Wouldn’t be wonderful to see the Day when this world recognizes how lovely and special Jesus really is, the author and finisher of life. 

After being away for a few days in Sussex, there are few highlights that I want to share. Funny enough, right before we left, my daughter and I were watching ‘Pride and Prejudiced’. As Mrs Bennet exclaimed in frustration:’If only Mr. Bennet took us all to Brighton, this elopement would not happened.’ What Mrs. Bennet was not willing to see that intentions go before us. So, in the end it didn’t really matter where Lydia went, as her father rightly knew, she would do what she pleased. On the contrary, Mr. Nowak took us all to Brighton, our intention was to have a good time and see all the old friends we can. We had an awesome trip, so here some thoughts on that.

The rain has been busy at night, washing houses, streets, cars, anything that is exposed to it’s zeal. Trees looked washed and ready to be examined by the sun. Proud and ready to face the day, Rottingdean, a small coastal village, with narrow old streets, with a Barclays bank and st. Margaret’s church that takes roots in 13th century, preached history. Modern cars already busy and awake were racing up and down, while curious visitors were window shopping.This small village is one of those places that gives an appearance of time standing still and welcoming all things new at the same time. Reminds me a beautiful place in California, Arrowhead, a  picturesque mountain village. I believe Thomas Kinkade painted there.

My mother- in- law was running late for her tennis session. Inviting her youngest grandchildren to come along delayed  a car trip considerably. While she was hitting the ball, children and I were at the playground near by. As I was standing on a modern-state-of-art playground, looking at the surrounding us valley of Rottingdean, amazed how everything around us changes all the time. Except God and His word. Not all see that thought. In my recent discussion  with an atheist, he could not help, but show his frustration that our society spends money on churches and faith schools. In my turn, I must mention that from the dawn of civilization people had a desire to worship a deity. This desire deeply build in like a hard drive in the computer. Even when they  didn’t quite  know to whom they need to bow down, they showed creativity, as Athenians did by erecting an alter to an ‘Unknown god.’ How could someone have so much frustration over what a human race practiced from day one. That’s titanium argument!

The playground was right in the middle of tennis court and a football field. I was admiringly watching the youngsters running around under sharp eye of their coach, at the same time impressed by the older generation, still exercising their muscles through tennis. To stay fit, you must get up early and just do it. Muscles won’t bulge especially when you are aging. The same is very true about spiritual training. As believers we must open up the word of God to find out what He requires from us. While I’ve never been to a service in St. Margaret’s church, I know it is not a gospel preaching church. In spite of standing there through the centuries, many people from the village still worship a quite distant God. Sinners must be wash by the truth of God’s word! This is an essential part for believers if they seek to glorify and obey the Lord.

I had an amazing experience lately. For a year now, because of small children, sometimes I have to listen to the sermon  through the speakers. The sound system in the church was on it’s last breath and sometimes the sound just disappeared, sometimes it was faint, often a lot of noise came through at the same time. This has not been a pleasant or helpful experience. However, this past Sunday the sounds was perfect due to the newly purchased sound system. Our life is just the same. We get very little help if we don’t hear the word of God that is instructing, encouraging, edifying, building up, cleansing, helpful all around and ect.

 I’ve finished reading a book by T. Tchividjian ‘Jesus+Nothing=Everything’. The  thought that stayed with me was about how the more he studied the gospels, the less he worried about things. That is an intent of God’s word to give a believer every confidence that God is for us, that God is in control of absolutely everything, that He will protect and do what is best for us eternally. Often repetition is the best thing:’God is Sovereign. He is in control.’ It  could be a good thing to hear it over and over again. My friend whom I visited on this trip, had shared with me about her ‘weekend away’, where they talked how to handle anxiety and worry. She said she felt rather frustrated  that they repeated again and again the same plain truth. As it was repeated, it started to sink in more. That proved to be rather helpful in the end.

 Once a believer washed regularly by the truth of God’s Word even from time to time he/she gets ‘dirty’ by the world, it is obviously felt. When I don’t have sugar regularly and suddenly  it is again in my mouth, it hits the whole body system so strongly. The same is with the pollution of this world. We would feel it just the same and it will revolt us when Holy Spirit works through and in us. We must not forget that it is impossible to live a life of obedience on self-sufficiency. Many women fall into this same old trap. They seek the Lord diligently, but the minute they have children it all goes on a back burner, often without realizing it.  It did happen to me. I could not go to many evening Bible studies anymore or prayer meetings, lacked fellowship, was tired to dig in to the word on my own. The end result was frustration with everything and everyone since I’ve tried to live a Christian life on my own resources. It is an impossible reality. Once we realize it, the Lord will make a way for us to obey Him and draw from His spiritual well. I’ve prayed. Simple, but we forget how powerful and effective this tool is for a Christian. The Lord brought a friend to pray, a Bible study to listen on line, a Bible read out from the internet. Jehovah-Jireh He is indeed! Often many Christians get tempted to have worldly, unbelieving friends. What was interesting, all the friends I went to see were the one’s I’ve made at the church. It felt like we parted yesterday. None of my daughter’s friends from her old school wished to see her. That was sad, but such a good confirmation of the things I was teaching her about the Lord and His binding glue between people. Once the Lord bring you a true friend, it is for life.

The day we’ve left, we thought it would be a good idea to get some exercise and fresh air at the Marina. We walked towards the surfing spot where a few brave enough lads were catching waves in the English Channel. The water looked so cold, but my husband assured me since he spend a lot of time  there himself, that it is not that bad once you get going. What stood out for me was the effort that they were making. It could be life consuming. It could come to the point when everything you do evolves around surfing. It does keep you fit and gives pleasure, but that is all. Life is  just as hostile and hard for anyone who doesn’t have protection of the Lord.

Why not commit your life to the Lord and allow Him to consume every area of our life. Because it will be not just for now. It will last for eternity.

This is world’s most expensive wedding cake. Guess what? At the marriage feast of the Lamb, where Jesus invites his friends, they shall eat something that wont be even close to this poor  visible image of a cake!  

Matthew 22:1-14 
‘But we never can prove

The delights of His love

Until all on the alter we lay;

for the favor He shows,

and the joy He bestows,

are for those who will trust and obey.’